somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
