my shit smells like andre
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize