Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
