dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is the high leading the old right now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
