This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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