i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I AM VODKA MAN
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
