you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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