the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
