He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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