Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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