I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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