He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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