I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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