I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
