oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
