you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Can I color on your dick again?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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