Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
