She is in my trunk
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize