so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
