at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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