tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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