Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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