im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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