I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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