He disabled his match.com account in front of me
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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