I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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