why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is it because I queefed?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
