Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm too high and old for this...
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