You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize