just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
drinking out of a sandbucket again
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm too high and old for this...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
