Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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