Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
