I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
