i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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