Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
