How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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