I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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