Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize