Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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