so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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