Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
