i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
