They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
