Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
