you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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