I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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