We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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