So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
