totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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