Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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