I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
