If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
