You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
