maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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