Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
