I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
