It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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