just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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