I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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