I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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