my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
