She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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