I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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