I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
