I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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