i just wanna soil my oats bro
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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