If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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