I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
