News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
