I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize