i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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