she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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