Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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